New me, who dis?

Me: “Self confidence issues over here…..what else is new”

Tiff: “Dude. You’ve accomplished great things. Enough already!!!”

This is a real life text exchange between my coach/bestie and myself. I’ve always had self confidence issues. My parents once described me as someone who would just “slink” in and out of rooms, with shoulders hunched forward. My friends always told me that I needed more self confidence. My professors used to tell me that I need to work on “faking my confidence.” People would always tell me to stand up tall. Surprise surprise this advice didn’t actually help me at all.

Since starting CF and lifting, my self confidence has really improved.  I think most who know me would say that they have seen huge improvements in my self confidence. I developed physical and mental strength through fitness. Even with this change, I still find myself struggling with identity and self confidence.

Imposter syndrome. A psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Now, I am not claiming that I have imposter syndrome. But I definitely find myself doubting myself in regards to my accomplishments. I find myself asking, “what qualifies me to give advice about fitness?” I don’t have formal education on physiology or sports science or biology. I’m not a nutritionist, why are people asking me about diet and nutrition? I am not as strong as so and so, why are people commenting “way to go” on my pictures. I haven’t had the incredible weight loss of others or had to overcome the same adversities as others, why are people tell me that I inspire them? How dare I even post pictures of myself hitting PRs. Why would I post pictures of my “healthy meal.” What qualifies me to have a blog.

But honestly, anyone who has gone through some sort of change in their personal life probably feels this way. Just a little bit of imposter syndrome. Am I really this new person? or will I go back to my old ways, and everyone will say “see told you that you haven’t changed.”

Here’s the reality. We all have our own story. We all change and grow. No one is the same person they were 10 years ago. So first things first, forgive yourself for the person you were. I abused my body and my mind for YEARS. I didn’t care about what I put in my body. I didn’t care about moving my body. I didn’t care about what I filled my mind with. I didn’t care about what self-deprecating thoughts entered my mind. I didn’t care about what I said to myself. That truly is a form of abuse: not caring. I recognize that is who I WAS, not who I AM, and not who I WILL be.

I have learned to accept and celebrate my accomplishments, simply because they are mine. As soon as I start comparing myself to others, I take away the work and grit that I put in. And some would say that I am a “self-centered millennial who can’t put their phone down for one second and only cares about getting validation from other self-centered millennial.” And that’s just an opportunity to share my story. Or I just say “ok” and move on. Celebrate accomplishments publicly or privately, but it’s important to celebrate them and reflect on what it took for you to get where you wanted to be. But don’t stop there, keep going, keep setting goals and crushing them.

My “tribe” has changed and gotten much smaller. There are people in my life that I thought I couldn’t live without, that I no longer talk to. They were the ones who told me that I “haven’t actually changed.” Unfortunately, there are people out there who want to see me fail. There are people who want to see you fail. They are the first ones to point out that you didn’t achieve your goals, they are the first to point out when you “fall off the wagon.” One of the best things that I ever did was surround myself with quality people. Those who celebrate with me and more importantly those who call me out on not pushing myself.

There will still be moments or days when I ask myself “am I really different or am I just pretending.” Those are the days when I have to reflect and appreciate the person I used to be in order to recognize who I am. Those are the days when I celebrate the big and little victories. Those are the days when I surround myself with quality people.