“Hey remember at so-and-so’s wedding”
“Remember so-and-so’s bachelorette party”
“Remember when we all went out”
“Becca, you were so drunk.”
I didn’t start drinking until I turned 21, because I am a rule follower. But when I turned 21, I found a new favorite past time. I was always down to go out. I was always the one to call if you wanted to get a drink. When I was drunk, in my mind, I was the star of the show. I loved people talking about me and my antics on Monday mornings.
One year ago, I had a big decision to make, quit my first grown-up job. I wanted to be sure I made this decision in a 100% clear state of mind. So I decided to quit drinking for 1 month while I weighed my options. During that month of decision making and added stress, I found myself saying “I could really use a drink right now.” One month of sobriety turned into two months turned into three months. Then I decided to give it up 100%. It has been one year since my last drink. Here is what I learned.
Drinking doesn’t fit my lifestyle anymore. Did I have a drinking problem? Looking back, I don’t think I had a drinking problem, in the tradition sense, but I was definitely using alcohol to cope. It was a way to cope with loneliness. I wanted to be with friends, instead of being by myself. I used it to cope with self-confidence issues; I was a different person when I was drunk. An idiot with a foggy brain. When my brain was in that “foggy state” I didn’t have to deal with the person that I didn’t like. I felt more confident. I made bold (stupid) decisions when drinking. I wanted my friends to acknowledge me, so being a fool on Friday night, meant that they would remember me on Monday morning.
I am no longer the self-loathing, lonely, whiny, little girl that I was three years ago. I am embarrassed of things in my past, but it’s not what I did that embarrasses me. It’s who I was. Constantly asking “Do they like me?” “Maybe they will like me better if I do this.” “UGHHHH I SUCK AT EVERYTHING! I SUCK AT LIFE!” On repeat in my brain 24/7.
I want to be in my right state of mind, because I truly LOVE who I am. I no longer need to avoid who I am by having a “foggy brain.” And I wouldn’t want to be in that state of mind. In life, there is very little that I can control: weather, price of groceries, how people treat me, ect… But one thing that I can control 100% is my state of mind. I can be in control of my mind. Why would I ever give that up?
My social calendar has really opened up this past year. I found that I no longer get invited to the thirsty Thursdays or the Friday nights out on the town. Even the mid-week after work drinks and apps. And I’m cool with that. That’s not my lifestyle anymore. But it makes me wonder, did people want to be with me or did they want to be with some other version of me. Do they value me or do they value the lifestyle? Makes you wonder.
My circle has gotten smaller, but much deeper. The conversations are no longer centered around what I did on Friday night. We talk, very clearly, about our lives, the world around us, what we want the world to be. We talk about problems, think of solutions to our problems. We invest time in each other instead of investing time and money on alcohol. The activities aren’t centered around alcohol. They are centered around spending our quality time being 100% there and being together.
And sometimes they are centered around Bob Ross painting night or my cat’s birthday party. Either way, I enjoy my time with my friends so much more now.
The friends that I have are not only understanding of my choice, but they support it. They have never questioned it. They simply accepted it. They knew that it was the best choice that I could make for myself.
It’s been an awesome year. I have discovered so much more about myself this past year and sobriety had a lot to do with that. And who’s to say, maybe someday I will have a drink again. But for now, and the foreseeable future: I’ll just have a water please.
Me being the “third drunkest person” at my friends wedding
Because She Dared 
Good for you Becca.
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