It really is! I love it. It’s a fun day to give little gifts or treats to people you love, and let’s be real, it breaks up the winter. It’s a little something to look forward to in the middle of winter.
My dating life is less than exciting. I mean, let’s just call it, non existent. Fun story, I took a Meyers Briggs personality test and I am INFJ, and one of the descriptions is “slow on the dating game.” 100% accurate. So let’s get into my dating life.
“Have you tried tinder or bumble?” “You have to put yourself out there.” “You know you have to leave your house in order to go on a date” Yes, I have. And how dare you ask me to do something as ridiculous as “leave my house.” When I was in college, I just assumed I would get asked out on all kinds of dates and have a boyfriend and be married by 25. But that never happened. I mean I chose a female dominated major and a competitive program that required me to spend most nights studying. Not a lot of opportunities to be around single men to ask me out. And then, my first job was (and still is) in a close knit community, where there is few opportunities for new comers to meet other new comers. Yes. All of these were my choosing and I could have “put myself out there, leave my house, and met someone.” And yes, I did tinder and went on a few dates, but nothing really stuck. Plus there’s some pretty scaring experiences and conversations that I’ve had with people on tinder that just gives me the shivers. We’re not getting into it. Gross. Icky. Icky gross.
But here’s the thing.
Looking back, I was not someone who I would have wanted to date. Especially in college and in my first 2-3 years outside of school. The opinions of others was how I measured my value. When I would go another Valentine’s Day alone, I would ask “What is wrong with me? What do I need to change about myself to be noticed by a guy or to get a date?” Looking back at that version of myself, I was putting a huge responsibility on the male counter part to give me my value. (And of course we can go down the “beauty standards” road, but that can be for another time.) And who would want to date someone who didn’t see their worth or their value? So yeah, I’m very happy that I’ve been going through these years of growth as single woman.
Ultimately, self worth is an independent market. You have to set your own price and your own value. That is all on you.
So what’s my price? I live my life based on 5 core values: be authentic, work hard, stay humble, remain open-minded, give back. That’s it. This is what I mean when I say “quality time with quality people.” I want the core people in my life to be high quality and that’s how I measure it. When people give me advice, or ask questions, such as
“If you want to meet someone, you need to stop spending so much time in the gym.”
“A guy doesn’t want a girl who lifts that much”
“Now that you’ve graduated, you’ll find a man.”
“Maybe there will be a single doctor at the hospital, that you will meet.”
“Are you dating anyone?”
“So-and-so is single, why don’t you date him?”
***At weddings, “Before you know it, it will be your turn.”
To this I simply say. Read above. I spend my quality time with quality people doing quality things. I don’t choose activities based on the possibility of meeting someone. I’m not going to date someone “just because they are single.” I am living my life in the best way possible for me, and whatever or whoever aligns with that will be there.
Unfortunately everyone else has their own measurement.
A comment that I get from co-workers, friends, and family “Well, you don’t have a family, you should be able to do (insert committee/meeting/part-time job).” First off I DO HAVE A FAMILY. I have parents and siblings, cousins, grandparents, friends, a plethora of people that I support in various ways. What I do NOT have is a spouse and children. My time is no less valuable. We ALL are deserving of rest. We are ALL allowed to say “no.” We are ALL worthy of a vacation or a “stay-cation.” Time is finite, time is valuable, spend it wisely. Spend it with people you love, spend it doing things you value, spend it making the world a better place.
A single woman with beautiful black cat named Chloe has no less value than a married woman. A married woman with no children has no less value than a married woman with children. A married woman with children has no less value than whether she has a job or not, a divorced woman with children or without children no less value than anyone else in her community. We all have VALUE and WORTH.
“Just wait until you’re married, you will change your mind.” Again, read above. I’m not changing who I am to appease someone, whoever I marry, will share my values. They will bring out the best in me. And hopefully I bring out the best in them. TOGETHER we build a life. And obviously, I will gain new perspective and grow and learn as challenges and life changes happen. I mean, that’s what I do now, I face challenges; I learn something about myself or the world, and I grow from that. That doesn’t change with marriage. Someone just gets to be up-close and personal with that growth.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am not married. But I do have some thoughts on marriage. Simply this: marriage is an equal partnership. It is two people doing life together. It is a stage in my life that I am very excited for. An equal partner. We all have been a part of the conversations, “She married well.” “….And her husband is a doctor/lawyer/successful business owner/***insert last name****” A woman is not an accessory to her husband or her husband’s success.
That’s all my advice on marriage. I have minimal experience there, but I have lots of experience being single. (Yeah, I know, I am totally clueless on this topic.)
I honestly don’t know how to end this. Let’s just be a blessing to each other as women. Let’s support and love each other. Instead of depreciating someone’s value based on their marital status or who they marry. Let’s just love ourselves. Let’s find our worth. Let’s support others and help others find their worth. I dare us all to find our price.
******And please stop asking me about my dating life or speculating why I am still single. Honestly, that’s how this whole post got started, but it somehow got really out of hand. I need to go lie down.****
Because She Dared 