Person who? I’m sad.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Person.

Person who?

I’m sad.

This was the very first joke I ever wrote and told. My family really did erupt in laughter, and they all still laugh to this day over it. It didn’t take long to figure out that it wasn’t my humor that tickled their funny bones. But I am still very proud of this killer joke.

A few days ago, I was drawing a blank. What do I blog about this month? My brain was vacant. Nothing felt right. Looking for some inspiration from a friend, she advised me: Just start typing and see what happens. So I sat down to type. And I was empty. And that’s when it hit me.

I’m experiencing depression.

Person who? I’m sad.

Being sad is very different than being depressed. In my opinion, sadness lasts for a moment, maybe a day or two, usually has some outside catalyst: reading a sad book, getting bad news, etc… And for me, I can often overcome sadness with an outside catalyst, a funny video, hanging out with a friend, etc… Depression is different, and it’s different for everyone. For me, it’s emptiness, I don’t feel like I have feelings. I’m not really happy or sad or bored. Just existing. And it becomes a battle to “get back to normal.”

So how am I going to get back to normal? Luckily this isn’t my first rodeo with the beast. Even better, since the last time I’ve gone through this, I’ve had a change in mindset, from the fixed mindset to the growth mindset.

First off, recognition and acceptance. I very quickly recognized my desire to stay in bed all day for 10 days straight and not wanting to shower, workout, or leave my house, was NOT a challenge to see how lazy I could be. It’s all I can handle. I just want to stay inside and watch YouTube videos to escape whatever I am avoiding. Avoiding things I enjoy doing. I love grocery shopping. It’s my favorite thing to do on a Friday night. (I believe that I am going to have a “meet cute” with my future husband in a grocery store.) The last few weeks. Didn’t want to. Didn’t want to eat. Wasn’t hungry. Didn’t care. Food didn’t have taste. Everything was empty and bland. I love going on bike rides on sunny days.  Nope. Lay in bed instead. Watch Friends on Netflix for the 100th time, and tell yourself, “I just love binge watching.” Everyone knows I love getting up early in the morning. Nope. Stay up late, wake up at 9am, lay in bed for bit, then take a nap later in the afternoon. Then go out to the couch to watch Netflix. Back to bed by 7 pm, asleep by 10. Day and day out. Don’t think about anything. Don’t do anything. Don’t feel anything. Vacant. Devoid. Uninhabited. Empty.

That is depression. That is what my depression looks like to the outside observer. Internally, “Oh, I’m just having a lazy day.” No. Rebecca. You are depressed. Accept it. Say it out loud. Tell a friend, tell your cat, write it down. Blog about it. The first step is acceptance. I know that’s a cliche. But it’s true. Because, you know what’s cool? By accepting it (diagnosing) I can treat it (fight back.)

So, how am I going to wrestle this? I have a few ideas. Like I said, this is something that I have gone through before. But now I  have more of a growth mindset. To me this is a challenge. I will grow and learn something from this. This is an opportunity.

*******If you are reading this, and feel like this is you. Or someone you know. Please recognize it and accept it. Please seek help. Objective, outside-observer, who is well versed and qualified in this. Go find them! Words like depression, burn out, mental health, etc… get thrown around like confetti, and those that are experiencing them are often labeled as “weak” or “millennial snowflakes.”Admitting struggles and weakness does not make you weak or less of a person.  So please, seek help.*********

So my “treatment plan” for this. (Shout-out to all my fellow SLPs, PTs, and OTs for that word play.) I figure the best way to do this is to involve  factors that I can control. So the following are all things that are within my control. If I want to be that psycho, I can add a measurement to each one of these and track the data, like a good speechie would 🙂

1. Sleep routine. Get back into my sleeping routine for one. Going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time, EVERYDAY. I’m on summer vacation, and yeah, I don’t have to be up at 5 am. But you know what. I’m going to. Sleep is vital for health. Science has shown that individuals who sleep less than 5 hours a night show signs of brain damage. Cognitive functioning, decision making, short-term memory, and executive functioning are all affected. 8 hours is magic. It is what the brain and body need for optimal functioning. And having a night-time routine helps get those precious 8 hours. My night routine typically consists of no screens an hour before bed (no phone in my bedroom either), journaling or some type of reflection of the day, 5-10 minutes of progressive breathing, read until I fall asleep (approximately 2 minutes after I start reading, which is why it takes me 6 months to finish a book).

2. Nutrition. “Let food by thy medicine and medicine be thy food.”-Hippocrates HIGH QUALITY FOODS. Fueling my body with what it needs for energy. That means if I can kill it or get it from the earth, I can eat it. That also means, hitting my macros and micros daily. Reducing any mind-altering stimulants. I no longer consume alcohol, so for me a big one would be caffeine. Also eating when my body feels hungry and is telling me that it needs to be fed, instead of finding “fasting states.”

3. Listening to my body. I love working out, we all know this. However, when I don’t feel anything, working out can become dangerous. I want to feel something, so feeling the pain during a workout can become slightly addicting. I have a few tweeks throughout my body, and I need to be listening to them and not just push through, so that I can feel something. Also, getting them checked out and having professionals work on those problem areas. This also means that I need to be taking appropriate rest days and active recovery days. Working out is stress on the body and taking breaks are very important for body and mind recovery.

4. Reach out. You guys. My friends are better than yours. They are 100/100. THE BEST! And when I need to talk to someone, I have to reach out to them. If I want to go do something and want someone to do things with, I have to reach out. If one of my friends can’t do something and says “no” it’s not because they have something else going on. People have their own lives, and my friends aren’t “avoiding me;” in reality, they don’t know what’s going on. So if I need to be with someone or need support, I have to take responsibility for that.

5.   Monitoring media. First off, I need to reduce the amount of social media that I consume, and probably take a week-long social media fast. I follow a lot of aspirational athletes and people on social media, and I find myself comparing myself to those individuals. This can certainly send me into a downward spiral and give me the “constant failure” feelings. Second, content consumption. What we consume, media-wise, affects us. The podcasts I listen to, the movies or shows I watch is what I escape to, and when I come back to reality; it is influenced by what I filled my mind with. Third, reduce screen time. Studies have been coming out on how screen time negatively affects children. I think that screen time affects all of us negatively, no matter the age.  100% transparency, the last 7-10 days, I have stared at a screen for 12+ hours per day. (Please note, I am on summer break and NOT at work, where staring at a screen is a slight requirement for my job). I am going to reduce that to something more reasonable. My days will involve getting FRESH air for a few hours a day, doing creative things throughout my day: writing, coloring, painting, reading, cooking, listening to up-lifting podcasts, etc…

That’s it. The plan of attack. Five controllable factors. It’s not necessarily going to be easy, but it’s not impossible, and it’s not forever. Thank you for sticking with me on this guys. It’s kind of uncomfortable to read about someone’s struggles. And it’s even more uncomfortable to write about it. But I believe in being 100% authentic, in all areas of my life. Again, if you feel like this is you, please find help. These phases in life don’t define you, they are a small part of the bigger picture.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Person.

Person who?

I’m depressed.

But not for long.