Author: becauseshedared

If I were to describe myself in one word, it would simply be “dramatic.” To paint a word picture: I was four years old and a bee landed on a flower that was on my dress. Immediately, I burst into tears. My first thought “I have to live on the swingset because the bee is going to be on me forever.” My mom had to come outside and brush it off of my dress for me, and then I made her carry me inside. And I cried at the kitchen table for 15 minutes afterwards. YOU GUYS. THE BEE DIDN’T EVEN STING ME! 0-60 on the drama.

Throughout college I was notorious for calling my dad at least once a semester in a tizzy. Panicked. Tears. Hyperventilating. “Dad, I’m gonna drop out. I can’t do this anymore. It’s so hard. I don’t think this was the right decision.” Ask him. He remembers. As I moved into adult life, the calls to my dad continued. Frazzled, tizzied, and dizzied.

And then one day, last winter, my dad received another call from me, that I think surprised him, more than most. Not the what was said, but the delivery of the message. (Because after this happened my dad said he almost didn’t believe me because I was so calm) In a 100% calm manner, my dad hears:

“Hey dad, I just drove into the ditch.”

I am not a dad. But I think those are words that most dads don’t want to hear from their kids. Especially when you’re 40 miles away from your kid and probably can’t really help them. So what changed from the girl who was held hostage by a bee to the level headed woman in the bottom of a ditch? Here is how I drove out of a ditch.

I was on a pretty tight schedule in terms of time. I was driving my little Ford Fusion, it was winter time. I hit a pot hole and ice and spun out of control, and my car went straight down into a super deep and steep ditch.

The first big change, accepting that this is going to happen. Literally as my car was spinning, I realized that my car was going to go into the ditch, I told myself, “Okay, this is happening now.”  I had very little control of my car, I had no traction as I was spinning. My choices were “aim for the ditch and try to avoid hitting the sign post on my way down.” Ditches are a part of life. Accept it and control what you can control. The very few factors that you can control. And what you can control, try to make the softest landing.

Eventually my car did come to a stop at the bottom of the ditch. The problem was pretty clear, I was no longer on the road.  It was just me and my car at the bottom of the ditch. No other cars on the road. So how is my little car gonna get out of the ditch? I had a few options. Option #1: Much like the bee holding me hostage on a swingset, I can live at the bottom of this ditch and be a ditch troll forever. Option #2: Try and drive out. Option #3: Wait for someone to come by and maybe they can help me. Option #4: Call someone for help. Well I figure, it’s best to at least try. So option #2. Pedal to the floor, wheels smoking, burning rubber. Guess what. IT WORKED!! (My record of not having my car get stuck since my freshman year of college continues.) When you’re in the bottom of the ditch, calmly consider your options and start trying them. If one option doesn’t work, move onto the next one. Re-evalate your choices, try again.

Because remember, you can’t be a ditch troll, and you can’t live on a swingset. It just doesn’t make any logical sense. Where will you hook up your WiFi.

I’m back on the road driving to my destination, and I realize, hey, my car is making a new noise. A noise that even the radio can’t drown out. And that’s when my dad gets the call. “Hey dad I drove into the ditch.” I needed someone to look at my car, and I was going to be going through my hometown on my way to my destination. So dad comes to the rescue by switching vehicles with me and getting someone to look at my car. I got to my destination and back home safely (and with some new tires.)  After you drive out of the ditch. You gotta check in. Check in with yourself. Are you ok? Check in with others. Get the support you need. Let others know that you are ok. Let them know if they can help.

The last thing I learned, prevent yourself from going into the same ditch. It would be a shame if I found myself in the bottom of the same ditch. That’s how you become a ditch troll.

I still find myself driving into ditches as the road of life continues. And I definitely find myself going back to being the drama queen on the swingset. But even being able to handle this one ditch  has given me a road map for all of life’s guaranteed ditches. Now, if only there was a way to deal with radical bees.

Me: “Self confidence issues over here…..what else is new”

Tiff: “Dude. You’ve accomplished great things. Enough already!!!”

This is a real life text exchange between my coach/bestie and myself. I’ve always had self confidence issues. My parents once described me as someone who would just “slink” in and out of rooms, with shoulders hunched forward. My friends always told me that I needed more self confidence. My professors used to tell me that I need to work on “faking my confidence.” People would always tell me to stand up tall. Surprise surprise this advice didn’t actually help me at all.

Since starting CF and lifting, my self confidence has really improved.  I think most who know me would say that they have seen huge improvements in my self confidence. I developed physical and mental strength through fitness. Even with this change, I still find myself struggling with identity and self confidence.

Imposter syndrome. A psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Now, I am not claiming that I have imposter syndrome. But I definitely find myself doubting myself in regards to my accomplishments. I find myself asking, “what qualifies me to give advice about fitness?” I don’t have formal education on physiology or sports science or biology. I’m not a nutritionist, why are people asking me about diet and nutrition? I am not as strong as so and so, why are people commenting “way to go” on my pictures. I haven’t had the incredible weight loss of others or had to overcome the same adversities as others, why are people tell me that I inspire them? How dare I even post pictures of myself hitting PRs. Why would I post pictures of my “healthy meal.” What qualifies me to have a blog.

But honestly, anyone who has gone through some sort of change in their personal life probably feels this way. Just a little bit of imposter syndrome. Am I really this new person? or will I go back to my old ways, and everyone will say “see told you that you haven’t changed.”

Here’s the reality. We all have our own story. We all change and grow. No one is the same person they were 10 years ago. So first things first, forgive yourself for the person you were. I abused my body and my mind for YEARS. I didn’t care about what I put in my body. I didn’t care about moving my body. I didn’t care about what I filled my mind with. I didn’t care about what self-deprecating thoughts entered my mind. I didn’t care about what I said to myself. That truly is a form of abuse: not caring. I recognize that is who I WAS, not who I AM, and not who I WILL be.

I have learned to accept and celebrate my accomplishments, simply because they are mine. As soon as I start comparing myself to others, I take away the work and grit that I put in. And some would say that I am a “self-centered millennial who can’t put their phone down for one second and only cares about getting validation from other self-centered millennial.” And that’s just an opportunity to share my story. Or I just say “ok” and move on. Celebrate accomplishments publicly or privately, but it’s important to celebrate them and reflect on what it took for you to get where you wanted to be. But don’t stop there, keep going, keep setting goals and crushing them.

My “tribe” has changed and gotten much smaller. There are people in my life that I thought I couldn’t live without, that I no longer talk to. They were the ones who told me that I “haven’t actually changed.” Unfortunately, there are people out there who want to see me fail. There are people who want to see you fail. They are the first ones to point out that you didn’t achieve your goals, they are the first to point out when you “fall off the wagon.” One of the best things that I ever did was surround myself with quality people. Those who celebrate with me and more importantly those who call me out on not pushing myself.

There will still be moments or days when I ask myself “am I really different or am I just pretending.” Those are the days when I have to reflect and appreciate the person I used to be in order to recognize who I am. Those are the days when I celebrate the big and little victories. Those are the days when I surround myself with quality people.

“Get results fast!”

“Three shakes a day and the weight will fall off!”

“Make more money in less time!”

“Take the work out of working out.”

“Just $10 a month!”

“Get more clients without leaving your house!”

All of the buzz words and phrases that inundated us. Various industries: fitness, financial, business, personal development, etc… all promising great results with minimal effort. This is the time of year where we set up goals for ourselves, where we ask “where do I want to be next year?” But what’s the secret? How do we reach our goals? If you really want to reach your goals, there are ONLY three things you need. Hard work, dedication, and trust the process.

That’s it. Any goal that you have in life can and will be achieved by adhering to the three listed above. So let’s dive into what each of those mean and look like.

1. Hard Work. What does it actually mean to work hard or be a hard worker? Is it a certain amount of time that you spend actually working that makes you a hard worker? Being a hard worker has nothing to do with quantity, rather it has to do with quality. It’s the amount of effort and energy that is put towards a task. It’s maximizing your time. I often hear others brag about how much time they spend doing a task.

“I was at the gym for three hours today.” Ok. Well. What were you doing in those three hours? Were you maximizing your time? Did you spend every minute on improving your fitness? “I was at work until 8 last night.” Awesome. Did you spend that entire time making sure that you were doing your job to the ABSOLUTE best of your ability?

Hard work hurts. Hard work means pushing through discomfort toward results. Hard work is scary. It’s scary to know that you are going to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. However, hard work also means leaving a task with no questions. If you put in quality work, hard work, you never leave a job saying “I could have done more.” Hard work means no regrets regarding your time spent on a task.

2. Dedication. My favorite definition of dedication: putting off instant gratification for the long term result. Dedication is the daily practice that you have towards the long term goal or result. One of my favorite examples of dedication is my friend Stephanie. Last year her New Year goal was to get 10,000 steps everyday. After Steph had a long day at work and outside of work activities, and she finally gets home; all she wanted to do was go to sleep. But then she sees that she was 2,418 short, do you know what Stephanie did? She walked the hallways of her apartment complex until she got her 10,000 steps.

The daily process. What do you need to do TODAY that helps you reach your year long goal? Your three year goal? Your five year goal? We often have the mindset that “one day won’t make a difference.” But how many “one days” are you taking? If I was building a house and was making my foundation with bricks. But I replace one in seven bricks with paper mache, how strong is my foundation? Can I start making my foundation stronger and maybe start using more bricks and less paper mache?

The summation of the small habits and daily practices that make up the end result. Saying no to the things I want right now, so that I can say yes to my goal. If I want to save money, I might have to say no to fun weekends with friends, so that in a year I have saved the money. If I want to run a marathon, I may have to say no to hitting the alarm in the morning so that I can get my run in. If I am dedicated to the process that means what I am doing right now determines where I will be.

3. Trust the process. Essentially it takes time for results to be revealed. There are ups and downs there are good days, great days, garbage days. But if you continue to rely on “secret” 1 and 2 all you need is a little bit of trust. Trust the process. Eating the right amount of high quality foods is a scientifically proven process that will help you lose weight. You need to be dedicated to the daily practice of eating those foods and put some work in, like measuring those foods, and add in a trust to the process, in time you will notice the results.

You need to trust the process and have patience. Results don’t happen over night. If they do happen over night, they can probably be lost over night too. One of the best examples that I have experienced is in my fitness. I didn’t suddenly wake up with an “ability” or a “knack” for lifting. I have lots of bad days, but I have worked hard and remained dedicated, and suddenly two and a half years go by, and now I can do things that I never thought possible.

Trust the process. Appreciate the process. Appreciate where you started to where you are. Look forward to all that you have to gain.

There you have it the secrets to success. Results that last are not cheap, easy, or fast. Keep that in mind next time you see advertisements for the latest product that promises results with minimal work, resource, or time. No one profits off of your hard work, dedication, or patience.

I dare us all to work hard, remain dedicated, and have trust in the process.

“Women need iron, not the vitamin. The barbell…We are taught that the only good direction for the scale to go is down, and to agonize ritualistically when it goes up….We are taught to think that our bodies as decorative, and object to be looked at….We are taught to be gentle and hide our strength or even to cultivate charming physical weakness until we start to believe that our bodies are weak. Iron teaches us how strong we can be” – gamesandtrips.com. (https://www.gamesandtrips.com/2012/05/31/why-women-need-iron/)

When I was in fourth grade, I was about 5’5ish” and I remember crying because I weighed 110 pounds. It was the first time in my life that I ever hit three digits on the scale. Which is OBVIOUSLY normal for a human to weight over 99 pounds. But even as a fourth grader, I noticed the weight on the scale. “Don’t get over 150 pounds.” To me the number on the scale was a constant goal. The weight on the scale meant skinny or fat. And skinny meant beautiful and desirable.

From early on women are taught that being slight, being vulnerable, and being quiet is desirable to men. A man needs to be the hero. And you are who they are going to save, so don’t do anything that would make them feel inferior. And if you do, then you are never going to find a man. And if you don’t find a man and get married, then your life is unfulfilled.

Well, I’m here to say that that is a load of POPPYCOCK. The whole standard of what makes a woman a woman is so flawed and so disgusting. Who set this standard? Who benefits off of the insecurities of women? I often hear from women is “I just need to lose 10 pounds.”  or “I need to get rid of this **grabs stomach or love handles*** Well then what? Will you be fulfilled if you lose 10 pounds? Will your life get better if you have a 6 pack?

When I graduated from college, I weighed 200 pounds. I wasn’t healthy, in any aspect of my life, especially not mentally. Then I started doing CrossFit, and I dropped down to 150. I was MUCH healthier and fitter. Two years later, I weigh 175. I am healthy and fit. At both weights, I was and am healthier and fitter everyday. And I don’t feel bad about my weight. So when you ask me how much I weigh, you don’t need to respond with “well you’re tall,” or “if it makes you feel better my wife weighs 170 too,” or “well you have a lot of muscle.” Never did I once say I feel bad about how much I weigh. You just made that assumption because a women is supposed to be uncomfortable about her weight. I am proud to be 175. I am proud to be, as T-Pain would say, thicker than a snicker.

What if instead of buying into these beliefs, we focused on living a healthy and fulfilled life EVERYDAY? We need to start asking, who benefits off of our insecurities. There are a lot of industries that love to exploit women. They want to make you feel certain way about yourself for THEIR benefit.

I am big. The last two years of my life have been such a transformation that many can attest to. I am no longer constantly worried about saying or doing the wrong thing that might make me “undesirable.” I am big in all aspects of my life.

I dare us all to be our own heroine. Be a force. Be a presence. Make yourself known.  Be loud. Be strong. Be big.

Burn out. It happens to everyone in various aspects of life, school, fitness, family, career, hobbies, volunteering, you name it. We have all been there. What is the best way to deal with burn out? What are some ways to avoid burn out? So I figure the best way to tackle this is to share my experience with burnout in various aspects of my life.

December 2017-Febuary 2018. Here is what a “typical” day looked life for me: Wake up at 4:30. Be at the gym at 5 am to coach until 7am. Be at work by 8:00. Work until 4:30. Go back to the gym to coach one or two classes. Do my workout (I was training for a power lifting competition). Home at 7pm, eat, shower, get ready for tomorrow, in bed at 8pm. Now, there were some days where I had to go to another job between going to the gym and going to work. And there were some days when I got to sleep in until a regular time. I definitely got burnout doing this. I was in denial of my burnout. But I learned a big lesson from this.

If you experience burnout, in any aspect of life, YOU ARE NOT A BAD OR A WEAK PERSON. For some reason, we like to associate the amount of work with being a “good” or “hard” worker. If I work 60-70 hours a week, I must be a hard worker. (Or maybe your just an inefficient worker.)  One of my “favorite” things is the “one-downing” that we like to do in our conversations. It’s like “one-upping” but opposite. For example:

Person 1: “Oh man I am so tired, last night, I had to work late, so I didn’t get to bed until 11, and I needed to be up at 5 this morning to go to the gym. And now my boss wants me to get this project finished by tomorrow, and I thought I had until next week.”

Person 2: “You’re telling me. I mean, I had to work late too, but my husband wasn’t able to get my kids to and from basketball, so I had to leave work and come back. I didn’t get to bed until 11:30. I woke up at 5 to get to the gym, but I did two workouts. And my boss wants me to completely redo my project, and have it done by this afternoon.”

Or one of my other favorites comments, “You shouldn’t be tired/stressed/nervous, because I had to do XYZ.”

First off, lets remove guilt from burnout. Stop feeling guilty yourself for taking a break. Remove your ego from your commitments. If you are feeling burnt out, and you are about to say yes to another night out or another commitment, ask yourself. Am I doing this, because I don’t want people to think of me as _____(fill in the blank:lazy, incompetent, selfish, etc…)_____. Are you really the only person who can do that task? Are your friends not going to have a fun time if you don’t join them for a night out? Now, there are things in life that we absolutely need to do that we don’t want to do. Sometimes things happen and we are unable to take those needed breaks. That is part of life. But if you are already at your limits, and you won’t be able to provide QUALITY to what is asked of you, is it really worth the burn out?

One of the worst things that someone can say about me is that I am lazy, so I find that I will always say yes when people ask me to cover for them at work or take on a project. This is when I run myself into the ground. Essentially I have this mindset: what others think of me (my ego) is more important than my health. I have been doing a lot of “ego checking” and trying to improve on this way of thinking. Life is not about “getting that bread fam” (and other stupid things people my age say.)

Next, stop making others feel guilty for feeling burnout when you feel “they don’t have a reason to feel that way.” Everyone has their own limits. Some people can work 60 hours a week and volunteer and socialize and do their hobbies. Others can work 40 hours a week, take care of their family, and have time for their hobbies. Others can work 24 hours a week and volunteer. If someone is doing what they love and, they are content with their life, what does it matter to you how much they work, volunteer, if they have a family to take care of, or if they have the same health problem you have. Let people live their lives. And turn it back on you, when others are complaining, are you one-downing them? Or saying “it could always be worse”  A better option, for ALL of us to practice, is to find the positive. There is always a positive. Turn your have to’s into get to’s, find things to appreciate everyday. I get to go to work today! I get to volunteer! I get to pick my kids up from basketball! Just that one little mindset change can make a difference.

Last, some things that I do personally to avoid burnout.

1.One day a week, I come home immediately after work. There is no going to the gym, there are no errands to run. I go straight home. I also have set days that are rest days from working out. The life that I was living earlier this year, was not sustainable. I gave myself no time to relax, and I ended up with an injury and all sorts of issues, mentally and physically.

2. Routines. I have a morning routine and a nighttime routine. Routines help me with getting ready and setting intention for my day as well as settling my mind at night. When I keep certain parts of my day the same, it keeps me mentally clear. Even if everything breaks down during the day, and I don’t get done everything I needed to; I can say “well at least I made my bed this morning.”

3. Separate things in your life. Work doesn’t come  home with me, mentally or physically, what happened today at work happened. I can’t go back and change it, so it doesn’t make sense to let it fester. Leave it and start over tomorrow. Thinking about all of the things I have to do when I get home from work won’t get those tasks done. So thinking about them, just wastes my energy and makes my work lower in quality.

4. Spice it up. Now I am a very regimented and routine person. But I find that changing things up every once in a while re-energizes me. Sometimes, I need to have a spontaneous night out or movie night with friends. Something I hear a lot from people is that they stop working out because they are burnt out or bored of their routine. Well then SPICE IT UP! Change it up, try and learn something new, give yourself a new fitness goal to work on.

5. Take a break. YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK. From whatever in life: family, friends, fitness, job. Take a break. And don’t feel guilty (please see above) about it. A break doesn’t have to be some big grandiose vacation. Maybe it’s going to the grocery store by yourself, no kids to try and sneak stuff into the car. Maybe it’s taking a nap instead of doing the dishes. In fitness, maybe it’s taking a whole week off from working out or taking a de-load week. Remember: the hours you spend “working” doesn’t define your value.

6. Evaluate and measure your goals. I have certain 3 year and 5 year goals for my life. I also have core values that I live my life by. When things are getting overwhelming in life, and I have to make decisions about adding, cutting, or changing things, I rely on those core values and ask: Does what I am doing match my core values?

To end this, I dare you: Evaluate your why. Why are you doing what you are doing? Is it because it is fulfilling and it brings you joy in life? Or is it so others think of you as a  a hardworking and giving person?

Your ass looks good

You should show more leg

Don’t wear those shorts, they are so distracting 😉

You look rape-able

The above are that have been said to me by men. Not to mention staring, standing much too close for comfort, unsolicited phallic DM’s, and blocking exits.

What’s a woman to do? Obviously a 50-year-old man telling me my butt looks good is a compliment right?! I mean that’s why I work out, right? To look good for men. It definitely has nothing to do with my health. Clearly the “being rape-able” comment is  a risk to my safety. But maybe it was my fault? What was I wearing? I was at the grocery store, so probably leggings and a t-shirt. Should I report it? I have no clue who he was. I guess I will just ignore it and be sure to lock my doors tonight.

Every woman has had these experiences. Something is said to us, and we are supposed to feel complimented, but we really just get “yellow light” feelings. We don’t know how we are supposed to react to it, because it still shocks us that someone would say something like that to us. We are caught between a rock and a hard place. If I explode and tell what I really think with lots of colorful language, the man gets what he wants: attention. If I ignore it, I am encouraging his behavior with my silence, and he won’t stop. This isn’t about hating men. This isn’t about a “witch hunt.” This is about my safety and the safety of other women.

At the end of my day, I am exhausted. And it’s not just because I worked hard, but because a large part of my day is spent being “on guard.” When I get to the gym in the morning, I take a mental note of all the cars in the parking lot. Before I even unlock the office, I take a mental note of how many people are in the gym and where they are.  When I go to the grocery store, I take note of how many cars are in the parking lot. I take note if my small car is blocked in by larger vehicles. When I am shopping, I know how many people are in the aisle, and mentally note how many steps are between me and them. When I get into my car, I immediately lock the doors and drive away. When I get to my apartment, I won’t take the elevator if men that I don’t know get on.

Becca, you’re just paranoid. No I’m not. I am hyper aware because we live in a culture that will blame a woman if she is ever assaulted. How many times have you heard: she shouldn’t be walking alone at night, look at what she was wearing, she shouldn’t have been drinking that much etc… The reason I stay aware is because, if God forbid, I am ever assaulted, I am going to take out all of the controllable variables. I learned all about how to “protect myself” from the media. That’s how accepted this whole mindset is: it is shared on facebook, instagram, the news, because the victim is responsible, not the attacker.

Becca, look at how big and in shape you are, it’s unlikely that anyone would try and attack you. Well the fact of the matter, if someone wants to hurt you, they will. My safety goes beyond the physical. If at anytime in my day another human makes me feel uncomfortable or gives me “yellow light” feelings, my safety has been compromised. The comments that make me uncomfortable, are a risk to my safety. The individual making these comments are an immediate risk to me and my well-being.

Becca, sometimes you wear spandex or crop tops, if you didn’t want the comments, you wouldn’t be wearing that. So number one, I am and WILL never do what I do to seek validation from anyone, in any area of my life professional or personal. I wear leggings because it’s a lot more functional for what I do than wearing baggy sweat pants. Second, I wear what I wear because it’s comfortable, and I feel confident. I do not dress for anyone, but myself. I do not dress for you. In fact, most of what I do is for me. It’s never to impress you or get validation from you. And it never will be.

So here’s the question. What I am supposed to do about my safety? If someone attacks me physically, I have the right as a human to do everything in my power to protect myself. As soon as the physical threat is taken away, do I no longer have the right to protect myself? No matter what I do, I am in a lose-lose situation. Of course I report things that make me feel uncomfortable. But what do I do in the moment? If I try and assert myself against those comments with saying what I’m thinking, I am giving rapey-Joe what he wants: attention.  I usually don’t say what I am thinking, because I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable or “cause a scene” (That makes sense….) If I do say something, I’m just supposed to take it as a compliment. What’s my other option? Say nothing. But if I brush it off and ignore it; it won’t stop. And let’s be real, if rapey-Joe’s goal was attention, he will probably keep on with the comments.

Can I respond with emotional threats with physical force? Does it work that way? At this point, I wouldn’t mind throwing a few fists.

So women are losers. No matter what we do. This is a big lose-lose situation.

Men are also losers in this situation. How many men say, “I feel like I can’t even approach a women, because she will take what I say the wrong way.” Well men, what can I say, but you should be angry. That’s my whole point!!! There are absolutely men who are good hearted. But when you hear a woman gets assaulted, is your response: “the person who did that is a bad guy.” or is your response “wellllll……..she was flirting with him all night.” This whole culture affects you too. I don’t want to assume all men that approach me are garbage, I don’t want to have to be on guard all the time. But when you look introspectively, are you putting a stop to those comments in the locker room? Are you participating? Are you just ignoring it?

So here is my dare, to all of us. Do YOUR part, whatever it is, to stop this from continuing. Because we all have a basic human right to be safe.

Workout partners. When I started my fitness journey, I didn’t fully buy into the whole idea that having someone else to workout with will make you better. I was delusional in my belief that I could push myself hard than anyone else, and that I could do it all on my own. As I have learned, a workout partner is so much more than someone who will keep you accountable or spot you. They are more than just someone who will push you during a workout. They are more than someone who will give you ideas for workouts. They are individuals who see you when you are at your worst and at your best. They are the ones that support you no matter what.

In a previous post, I talked about quality time with quality people. For me, a workout partner is definitely a quality person that I spend my quality time with.  I would say in my life I have 5 workout partners. Today’s post is about my 5 workout partners. Names have not been changed.

1. Tiffany. This name has been mentioned a few times in my blog. Tiffany is more than a workout partner to me. She is my coach.  She is the one that saw in me what I couldn’t see in myself. Tiffany taught me the fundamentals, and continues to remind me when in doubt: go back to the basics. She reminds me that believing in yourself and your abilities are the foundation for health and happiness.
2. Sandy. Sandy has seen me at my absolute worst during a workout. Tears streaming down my face, shouting cuss words, and yet she remained judgement free. She never let my worst sully her opinion of me, because; she also saw me at my absolute best. She knew that me at my worst was a part of the package of being my friend. She knew that me being at my worst has to happen for me to be at my best.
3. Paula. Paula accepts any workout or programming as it stands. She has said “this is going to suck” or “this won’t be so bad,” (only to realize that was a lie). Paula remains positive regardless of what workout is written on the whiteboard. Her positive attitude and willingness to take things in a workout have been a constant reminder for me everyday, accept things as they come and just do the work.
4. Christy. Christy doesn’t seek validation from others. Chirsty puts herself and her health first. If she needs a day off, she takes it, and she won’t care about what you think of her day off.  She never feels guilty for scaling a workout or taking a rest day, because its what she needs. She reminds me why I do this, and that I can’t do this, if I am not taking care of my whole self.
5. Cally. Cally embodies the idea of giving your best. She will give 100% in a workout every time. She is not about the number of reps or how much weight is on the bar, rather; her focus is on the quality of work she puts in. She doesn’t let me get by with subpar work, she has no problem calling me out when I am clearly not doing a workout to my full potential.

Workout partners. In the end they are the individuals that will see you at you worst and best. They are the ones that will go to the dark place with you. They are the ones that will suffer with you and for you. They are the ones that will celebrate your success. They are the ones that see who you truly are. They are the most important people in your life. Hang onto them. Regardless of where life takes you, they will always be there for you.

And honestly, aren’t these the people we all want and deserve in our lives. Those who see our potential, those who don’t judge us, those who are accepting, those who are balanced, and those who demand great things from us. Life is too short to spend time with anyone less.

So I dare you to find your own workout partners, invest quality time with them. Be vulnerable with them and let them shape and influence you in the best way. And then reduce the time you spend with toxic people and see what changes your life takes.

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“250 back squat! That’s pretty good…….for a girl, I mean.”

“For a girl” The most commonly heard backhanded “compliment” that I hear from friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers, both male and female. That three word phrase is the most effective way to take away my hard work that I put in physically and mentally. If you want to stop reading now, I will sum this whole post up for you: STOP SAYING THAT!!!! But if you want to hear a 20 something year old female talk about gender in the gym, please continue reading.

Strength is the ability of a muscular unit or combination of muscular units to apply force. When building strength, there are a lot of things that are in my control. I can control my mechanics, by having good mechanics, applying force is more “efficient,” and I can add more weight to the bar. I can control my nutrition. Feeding my body food that helps my muscles grow, gives me more muscles to apply more force, and I can add more weight on the bar. I can control my recovery. Breaking down the muscles by working out and then giving those muscles time to rebuild through recovery, makes my body stronger. I can apply more force, and again, I  can add more weight on the bar. Do you know what I can’t control? My gender and the hormonal and chemical make up that come with being a female. When someone tells me, “For a girl,” they have taken away all of the work that I put into my mechanics, nutrition, recovery, not the mention the mental work that I put in. And their only criteria they use is something that is out of my control.

Yes, I can take hormones and even get a sex change, but we’re going super basic level here. Stick with me friends.

I will always have to work twice has hard and only earn half of the respect as the males in my gym. When I was training for a power lifting meet, I finally hit a HUGE goal for me: 300 pound dead lift. It took me weeks and weeks to get there and so much mental work. When I finally did it and told the males on my “team” instead of a high five and a “nice job,” I heard: “That’s pretty good, but you should be lifting more at this point.” and “I hit 300 several years ago.” Immediately what I did was not good enough. How dare I celebrate my victory? Because they were stronger than me, strictly based on the numbers that they lift. There was a complete disregard to the amount of work that I put into that lift.

I told my coach how discouraged I was, and she told me “They are probably jealous, because you have added 30 pounds on your lifts in 10 weeks and they haven’t had a PR yet this year.” And maybe that’s true. Or maybe they just don’t think before they speak. But regardless, what she said helped me get through that mental break. And it does make me think. Honestly, why do males say stuff like this to female lifters? I would say a lot of it has to do with ego. In the global gym setting, free weights are usually seen as a male only area and the treadmills, ellipticals, and stair master are for women. With the ever growing popularity of crossfit and powerlifting, women are realizing what it means to be a strong. Women are daily realizing that they are a force to be reckoned with and will cross over into the free weight section of the gym. And some men just can’t handle it. If a man is lifting to impress women or assert dominance in some way and sees that a female is lifting and asserting her own dominance, that probably messes with his ego. Suddenly the female doesn’t need you to lift something up for her or open the pickle jar for her. And you know what. That’s his issue. NOT. MINE.

“Not all guys are like that” very true statement. I know lots of guys that are like “YOU GO GIRL!” The guys that do that, don’t have an ego issue. They want women to realize their strength. They want women to be strong and independent. They want women to push the boundaries of strength. They are on team health and fitness. And that is the best team to be on! Everyone in the gym should be on this team. It would make the gym a much safer place for everyone. I often hear beginners say that they don’t want to lift because they are intimidated by how much others are lifting and feel judged. If everyone was on team health and fitness, there would be no judgment or competition. Beginners would get to experience what it means to set goals, crush them, and get stronger. Because when you’re on team health and fitness, you want everyone to have the same experience that you had when you first started out. You want everyone to push themselves to be the absolute best version of themselves. Regardless of their ability level, age, gender, or their goals.

So how do I deal with these comments. I have had a complete shift in my mindset shift in my approach to success in the gym (and life). I do not want my success to be tied to a title. The victories are no longer found in specific numbers. I do not measure my success by answering the question: Did I hit a certain amount of weigh or get the accolades and recognition? I measure my success by answering the question: In this moment, am I doing everything in my power, physically, mentally, and emotionally, to get to where I want to be, while staying true to my core values?  If I do everything in my power everyday to be better and stronger, regardless of what the outcome is, I am experiencing success everyday. This mindset shift makes those comments and the lack of respect a “white noise” in my life. I can ignore the white noise. Just turn Beyonce up a little louder.

All lifters, male, female, beginner, or experienced, need to encourage eachtoher in our own quest for strength. And strength is going to look different for everyone. We are all on the same team, and there are lots of things we can control and things we can’t control. Control what you can, encourage others, stay happy and healthy, seek success everyday. And when all else fails:

Do your squats, eat your veggies, and don’t let boys be mean to you.

Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the sexiest lifter of all?

Why are there mirrors in the gym? Many would say that mirrors provide feedback on form. But do they? I often see individuals lifting, while starring at themselves in the mirror, and continue to lift with incorrect form. So what purpose do mirrors serve in the gym? I believe that mirrors only serve one purpose in the gym: to feed ego.

One of the ways ego rears its beautiful and perfect head is by avoiding weakness.  There are ten components of fitness: cardiovascular endurance, stamina, strength, flexibility, power, speed, coordination, agility, balance, and accuracy. And when you choose to avoid one of those components because you are “bad” at it, you are choosing to not be the best version of yourself. Being “bad” at something just means its an area of discomfort and nobody wants to be uncomfortable. Anything can improve through practice, training, and hard work. Choose those areas that you don’t immediately excel at and work on them. I am just as guilty of this as the next person. I know what areas I excel at: power and strength, so I like to cherry pick the short workouts that involve heavy lifting. I absolutely HATE doing workouts that involve highly technical gymnastic movements, because I have told myself that I am “bad” at anything that involves accuracy and balance.

The truth is, I let my ego take the driver’s seat because I don’t want to look “weak” or “stupid” in the gym. When in reality, it would take 10 minutes during a warm up or cool down and do some type of accuracy or balance drills. I could even do these movements in an actual workout. However, I get so wrapped up in wanting to beat the clock or the person next to me; I decide to scale or replace movements to ones that I can excel at. And I simply do it to feed my ego. To tell myself, I finished this workout in XXX amount of time. I give myself a high five and tell myself that I am the fittest human alive. In reality, I didn’t improve my fitness in the slightest, because I didn’t want to look foolish. I wanted to look strong and fit and tough. I wanted that picture for instagram.

Good ole’ instagram, or as a friend of mine calls it instaglam, which is an accurate description. Instagram, snapchat, facebook, its’ always our highlight reel. It glamorous to post your PR deadlift or clean, your first hand stand pushup, or your first ring muscle ups. CELEBRATE IT!!!! that is AMAZING! POST IT! I post my PRs ALL THE TIME! I try and film myself at least once every few weeks, just to get some sweet shots of me doing cool fitness stuff. It’s fun and there is nothing wrong with it. But be honest about it.

Two years ago, right before the CF games, Kara Sanders (Webb) posted a compilation video, on instagram, of her failing lifts and movements. This was something that really stuck with me, because that is reality. When facing new challenges, you are going to fail a lot more than you are going to succeed. Failure breeds success. I failed my first 7 attempts at a 300lb deadlift, and after I was only able to hit it 2/5 attempts spread across several weeks. The first time you attempt a PR lift or a movement, you may not get it. It may takes, weeks, months, or even years. Ego will tell you that you need to impress others, and you will want to stay at sub-par weights and movements. Ego will tell you to take the short cuts, so you can have a cool picture, instead of being patient and taking time to do the work. Be real and be honest. Would you still be happy with a PR if you didn’t get to post it? Would you still be happy with your results if no one commented on them?  Are you willing to post the non-glamorous drill work? Are you willing to post the failures?

Again, I am just as guilty at the next person. There is no greater feeling than posting a PR or posting a sweaty selfie and getting likes and comments about how hard I am working or how “inspiring” I am. But when I take a step back, all I am looking for is validation. I am more focused on being sure that others’ perceive me as hard working, successful, and inspiring, than I am about focusing on the process of self improvement. I don’t want to show individuals the vulnerability that I feel when I fail a PR attempt or even failing a weight that I can hit 10/10 times and am just having an off day. I want the status and the recognition. And when I focus on the status and the recognition, I am putting out a fake image of what fitness is.

Fitness is not about constant success. Fitness is not about recognition. Fitness is not about attention. It’s about getting better. Getting better physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is about enduring pain, pushing past your limits, suffering in silence, and failing. One of the many things I tell myself when I am in the middle of a workout is “Get ugly.” Don’t worry about what I look like or how others’ perceive me. Work hard, sweat, bleed, cry. Do it for me

Let’s take this out of the gym. What am I avoiding in life because I’m “bad” at it? I have to ask, am I ACTUALLY bad at it, or am I just unwilling to put the work and the time it takes to improve? Do I do things because they will make me or the world a better, even if it means that I won’t get any recognition or status? Am I real in admitting failures? Am I learning from my failures? Or are am I only focused on showing people a perfect person?

So I dare you, whatever it is in life: gym, work, family, business. Get ugly about it. Kill your ego, and do what it takes to get better.

Two cups of coffee on the counter. One black. One with cream. My mom and I started having morning coffee together when I was in college and would come home for the weekends. This has been a continued practice as a young adult, and it’s become my favorite part of going home. Not just because coffee is involved, but because of the conversations that happen at that table. I have told my mom several times that she should write a book. And she doesn’t think I am serious. But I am. So this post is some of the many chapters that my mom’s book should include. If she won’t write the book, then I will.

Chapter 1: “I’m not packing air people”

My mom is a professional mover. My mom raised four kids. Think about that, we all turned 18 and moved to college. So she moved us four kids to college. Then out of college we got jobs and moved other places. When I was between the ages of 18-23, my mom helped me move four times.  My mom has such a reputation that she gets volunteered to help strangers move. My mom sees a U-haul and follows it wherever it goes, just assuming she is supposed to help. She has moved people across the state, to new houses, to old houses, to apartments, to dorm rooms. While each move is different, there is always one consistent theme,”I am not packing air, people.”

And what does she mean by that. Basically all of the space in your boxes and moving totes should be taken up with something and not air. One time, I had 2 kitchen boxes, one with pots and pans and one with cooking utensils. Just to give you a picture, box 1:  pots and pans were stacked into each other with the lids on the sides of the bos.  Box 2: the utensils were in trays from the drawers stacked on top of each others and then a big round utensil container on top. Me, a mere mortal packer, thought that these two boxes were packed pretty tactfully. But my mother, The Almighty Packer, took one look at that and said “I am not packing air people.” She put the trays of silverware and knives on the bottom, put the utensils into the pots, lined the sides of the box with the lids, and still had room to fit four into the  box…….And then I showed her my box of clothes hangers.

When I go home, and my mom and I have our morning coffee. I like to ask who she has helped move that week. And she goes into some story about reducing someone’s laughable 6 boxes of bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen supplies down to half a box. While everyone in my family jokes about my mom’s “zero air policy.” There is an important lesson to be learned. Don’t be a waste of space. You have gifts and talents that God gave you. Use them. I truly believe that God gave my mom a gift of organization and an uncanny ability to fit things into boxes. And she uses this to bless others. Moving can be stressful, and my mom doesn’t necessarily “love” moving others. But for her it’s an opportunity to bless others by lending a helping hand whenever, wherever, and however she can. We cloud our own thinking into “talents and gifts” having to be music or sports or public speaking. God may have given you a talent to sweep floors. Don’t be a waste of space and keep your well swept floors to yourself. Go bless someone and sweep their floor. And my mom will be there to show you how to best store your broom to take up the least amount of space as possible.

Chapter 2: “Ice-cream fixes everything”

Mom’s know a lot of things. I’m pretty sure that once a woman becomes a mother, some sort of data update happens and all of the knowledge of the world downloads into her brain. One of the pieces of data that has downloaded into my mom’s brain is a GPS system that finds the nearest Culver’s. Growing up, we had ice cream after a day at the pool, after a day trip to Fargo or Bismarck, or after a school Christmas concert. A sweet treat to top off the day.

Growing up, I got hurt a lot. Mostly secondary to the abuse of my older siblings, definitely never ever my own fault. My mom was always there to provide  physical or emotional comfort. Just an few example of the comfort my mom provided me.

(Back story: the day before, I watched my dad get out of the pickup while it was just coming to a stop, so it was just barely moving when my dad got out. It was the coolest thing that my 4-year-old eyes had ever seen. My dad basically jumped out of a moving vehicle).

My older siblings were at school and my mom brought me with to run errands in town. The day was sure to end with ice cream and Stop and Go. The errands were done and we had just started pulling into Stop and Go. The pickup was still moving “relatively” fast, and I decided that I would be cool, like my dad, and get out of the moving vehicle. I was suddenly hanging onto the door handle for dear life with my legs being drug behind me in the parking lot. My mom slammed the brakes. Put the pickup in park and picked me up off the ground. She hugged me and tried to calm down the dramatic 4-year-old that I was (and still am). My mom drove us home and I cried the entire 16 mile drive home. When we got home, my mom cleaned up my road rash and finally calmed me down. When I had finally calmed down, I was a little upset that I didn’t get ice cream. But my mom came in clutch and gave me a popsicle. And it was all better.

As I grew into those awesome teen years, the “ice-cream fixes everything” continued. Clothes shopping trips to Fargo were mostly just me whispering mean things about my mom under my breath, through gritted teeth. I rolled my eyes so much that I gave myself vertigo. But regardless of what happened during the day. We still got ice cream, usually at Culver’s, before we left for home. On my way home, the healing qualities of the ice-cream became apparent. My eyes suddenly stayed in place and my I was able to speak to my mom at a normal volume. Weird…..

I know my mom will read this and say “I just wanted ice-cream for myself.” But there is a lesson in ending the day, especially the hard days, with ice-cream. There is always a positive to everyday. So while I was drug down the road at 40 mph at 4-years-old there was still a positive to that day. And while my mom totally ruined my freshman year of high school by not buying the super-low-rise jeans for me, there was still a positive ending to that day.  Find the positive part of everyday, even the hard ones. And if you have to, take a play from my mom’s book, and end the day with ice-cream. It fixes everything by becoming an automatic positive to your day.

Chapter 3: “Chotchkies”

The last few years, my mom has begun removing “chotchkies” from her home. For those of you who don’t know chotchkies are “a decorative knick-knack with little or no purpose.” My mom’s anti-chotchkie life style started in 2001 when she went to El Salvador on her first missions trip.  Each year, following, there were less and less figurines and decorations on our shelves and walls.

One morning, I was having coffee with my mom, and she said something about her chotchkie free policy. “When the Lord calls me to Africa to build an orphanage, I need to be ready to go as soon as possible.” This has become my mom’s mindset regarding stuff in the last several years. Especially since she got bit by the backpacking bug.  For one week, everything she needs will fit into a backpack that she will carry on her back. (Luckily my bug repellent is stronger than hers).

My parents recently moved off of the farm to town into the house my grandma lived in. The shelves and walls have minimal stuff on them. However, my mom has been filling up the house. Almost weekly, she invites people over for Sunday lunch. The neighbor kids come over to help her in the yard. My mom has moved from filling her house with stuff to filling her house with people. When you go to someone’s house, do you remember what is on their walls or do you remember the experience? My mom has really tapped into this mindset. She knows that how she makes people feel and the experience she provides at her house is paramount to what is on her walls or shelves. One of the many ways, we should all be more like Vickie Gussiaas, fill our lives with people and experiences, not stuff. Get rid of the chotchkies, they just take up space when you move.