Women are losers

Your ass looks good

You should show more leg

Don’t wear those shorts, they are so distracting 😉

You look rape-able

The above are that have been said to me by men. Not to mention staring, standing much too close for comfort, unsolicited phallic DM’s, and blocking exits.

What’s a woman to do? Obviously a 50-year-old man telling me my butt looks good is a compliment right?! I mean that’s why I work out, right? To look good for men. It definitely has nothing to do with my health. Clearly the “being rape-able” comment is  a risk to my safety. But maybe it was my fault? What was I wearing? I was at the grocery store, so probably leggings and a t-shirt. Should I report it? I have no clue who he was. I guess I will just ignore it and be sure to lock my doors tonight.

Every woman has had these experiences. Something is said to us, and we are supposed to feel complimented, but we really just get “yellow light” feelings. We don’t know how we are supposed to react to it, because it still shocks us that someone would say something like that to us. We are caught between a rock and a hard place. If I explode and tell what I really think with lots of colorful language, the man gets what he wants: attention. If I ignore it, I am encouraging his behavior with my silence, and he won’t stop. This isn’t about hating men. This isn’t about a “witch hunt.” This is about my safety and the safety of other women.

At the end of my day, I am exhausted. And it’s not just because I worked hard, but because a large part of my day is spent being “on guard.” When I get to the gym in the morning, I take a mental note of all the cars in the parking lot. Before I even unlock the office, I take a mental note of how many people are in the gym and where they are.  When I go to the grocery store, I take note of how many cars are in the parking lot. I take note if my small car is blocked in by larger vehicles. When I am shopping, I know how many people are in the aisle, and mentally note how many steps are between me and them. When I get into my car, I immediately lock the doors and drive away. When I get to my apartment, I won’t take the elevator if men that I don’t know get on.

Becca, you’re just paranoid. No I’m not. I am hyper aware because we live in a culture that will blame a woman if she is ever assaulted. How many times have you heard: she shouldn’t be walking alone at night, look at what she was wearing, she shouldn’t have been drinking that much etc… The reason I stay aware is because, if God forbid, I am ever assaulted, I am going to take out all of the controllable variables. I learned all about how to “protect myself” from the media. That’s how accepted this whole mindset is: it is shared on facebook, instagram, the news, because the victim is responsible, not the attacker.

Becca, look at how big and in shape you are, it’s unlikely that anyone would try and attack you. Well the fact of the matter, if someone wants to hurt you, they will. My safety goes beyond the physical. If at anytime in my day another human makes me feel uncomfortable or gives me “yellow light” feelings, my safety has been compromised. The comments that make me uncomfortable, are a risk to my safety. The individual making these comments are an immediate risk to me and my well-being.

Becca, sometimes you wear spandex or crop tops, if you didn’t want the comments, you wouldn’t be wearing that. So number one, I am and WILL never do what I do to seek validation from anyone, in any area of my life professional or personal. I wear leggings because it’s a lot more functional for what I do than wearing baggy sweat pants. Second, I wear what I wear because it’s comfortable, and I feel confident. I do not dress for anyone, but myself. I do not dress for you. In fact, most of what I do is for me. It’s never to impress you or get validation from you. And it never will be.

So here’s the question. What I am supposed to do about my safety? If someone attacks me physically, I have the right as a human to do everything in my power to protect myself. As soon as the physical threat is taken away, do I no longer have the right to protect myself? No matter what I do, I am in a lose-lose situation. Of course I report things that make me feel uncomfortable. But what do I do in the moment? If I try and assert myself against those comments with saying what I’m thinking, I am giving rapey-Joe what he wants: attention.  I usually don’t say what I am thinking, because I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable or “cause a scene” (That makes sense….) If I do say something, I’m just supposed to take it as a compliment. What’s my other option? Say nothing. But if I brush it off and ignore it; it won’t stop. And let’s be real, if rapey-Joe’s goal was attention, he will probably keep on with the comments.

Can I respond with emotional threats with physical force? Does it work that way? At this point, I wouldn’t mind throwing a few fists.

So women are losers. No matter what we do. This is a big lose-lose situation.

Men are also losers in this situation. How many men say, “I feel like I can’t even approach a women, because she will take what I say the wrong way.” Well men, what can I say, but you should be angry. That’s my whole point!!! There are absolutely men who are good hearted. But when you hear a woman gets assaulted, is your response: “the person who did that is a bad guy.” or is your response “wellllll……..she was flirting with him all night.” This whole culture affects you too. I don’t want to assume all men that approach me are garbage, I don’t want to have to be on guard all the time. But when you look introspectively, are you putting a stop to those comments in the locker room? Are you participating? Are you just ignoring it?

So here is my dare, to all of us. Do YOUR part, whatever it is, to stop this from continuing. Because we all have a basic human right to be safe.

Author: becauseshedared

Just the world's most average 26-year-old daring herself to be more. And to answer your question my last name rhymes with "push-us." Pronounced: GUSH-us. instagram: gussiaaspushus View all posts by becauseshedared